The Trump Administration Accidentally Texted Me Its Latest Plans

Trump Cabinet members included me—an independent essayist—in a group chat about a mystical conversion and a drastic repositioning of U.S. policies. What I learned may change everything.

It was 2:03 a.m. when the notification buzzed on my phone: “You’ve been added to Signal group: Reorg Draft // Eyes Only.” Waking up from a strange dream of erotically pulsating fruit, I assumed it was spam—maybe some AI-generated mass message. But as I blinked at the screen in the dark, one name leapt out: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. My number must’ve been mistakenly added by him, or someone on his comms team. What followed was nearly an hour of the most surreal, disorienting private political exchange I’ve ever read. JD Vance sharing his vision of Jesus putting America on a new path. Pete Hegseth demanding to know who they’d be bombing next. Tulsi Gabbard calmly discussing decentralized governance as an antidote to climate change. RFK Jr. offering Biblical commentary on Vance’s vision.

It would be easy to write this off as some late-night psychedelic cosplay among right-wing insurgents seeking authoritarian control. But what I read struck me as something more unnerving: a radical pivot in ideology. After all, these are Cabinet officials actively discussing the dismantling of the military-industrial super-state and its replacement by some mash-up of gnostic anarchism and bioregional interdependence. The implications for national security, democratic continuity, and civil-military cohesion are severe. If what I witnessed is a portent, then this is the beta version of something stranger than a coup: a secret conversion among the most powerful people in our government, turning to human adhesion and planetary liberation. If it does happen, remember you heard it here first! Below are the texts as I received them:

JD (2:14 a.m.)
Guys I had a vision. I need you to hear me out.

Tulsi (2:17 a.m.)
Are you okay?

Pete (2:17 a.m.)
Whadda you mean, “vision”?

JD (2:18 a.m.)
Three nights ago. I’d just come back from the Midwest. Factory town meet-and-greets, economic roundtables. It is bad out there: fentanyl, loneliness, work with no meaning. Hollowed-out places. Chaos.

RFKJ (2:19 a.m.)
It’s all the vaccines.

JD (2:20 a.m.)
Something slipped for me. All of a sudden I felt the sadness. The confusion. I realized, guys, we’re on the wrong side. I couldn’t sleep. At 4:24 a.m., I heard these like harps and horns—I don’t know what to call it without sounding all Marianne Williamson. Then Jesus came to me.

RFKJ (2:20 a.m.)
JD, I mean, WTF. Sure it wasn’t an alien?

JD (2:20 a.m.)
It was Him. Seriously. He was shorter than I imagined, and darker skinned. Smelled like Cardamon. He told me: We’re on the wrong path.

Pete (2:21 a.m.)
Dude you’re friggin nuts, we got the whole country right where we want it now and we’re ready to turn the screws-

JD (2:21 a.m.)
No Pete. Deep down we all know this is wrong. This is evil.

Tulsi (2:22 a.m.)
Ok I mean - He has a point.

JD (2:22 a.m.)
This is just power and control for the sake of it. The whole Yarvin thing is just BS. We don’t need a corporate techno-feudal dictatorship. We need to liberate the people to live in love, not fear.

Pete (2:23 a.m.)
Like, make America great, for real?

JD (2:23 a.m.)
We got to completely transform this, from the core. Jesus showed me a world where the economy wasn’t about extraction but regeneration. People didn’t hustle to survive; they participated in restoring their land, their bodies, their love for each other. It was cool. Leaders were humble, helping people. RFK, you were once a big climate activist weren’t you?

RFKJ (2:24 a.m.)
Sure was. Then I saw the darkness, I mean the light… whatever it was

JD (2:24 a.m.)
You know, deep down, that free markets aren’t going to regenerate the planet’s ecosystems. We need people to do that.

Tulsi (2:25 a.m.)

What about the cities, the immigrants, the Venezuelan gangs?

JD (2:25 a.m.)
Cities can be re-integrated with the land. In my vision, I saw green roofs, water harvesting, soil restoration. Phasing out cars - sorry Elon - for local transit. Local farms. There was real pride agains - communities caring about each other.

Tulsi (2:26 a.m.)
Did AOC slip some LSD into your Mountain Dew?

JD (2:26 a.m.)
The government dissolved into layers of community-led governance—councils, bioregional assemblies, rotating citizen forums. Everyone has a voice. And more importantly, everyone cares. There are no billionaires. But there is enough for everyone.

Pete (2:26 a.m.)
So who are we bombing then?

JD (2:27 a.m.)
Jesus said wars are over if we want it. With the tools we’ve got—blockchain, AI, open-source platforms—we can build open systems for coordination and mutual aid. No need for top-down control.

Tulsi (2:27 a.m.)
What about Schedule F?

JD (2:28 a.m.)
Remake the fed gov as an API for local sovereignty and bioremediation. We roll out a living constitutional platform: regenerative, adaptive, decentralized.

Tulsi (2:28 a.m.)
You mean like full-spectrum transition - material, spiritual, cultural?

JD (2:29 a.m.)
Yes - we build a post post-industrial civilization that reintegrates the sacred, no superstition or hierarchy. Direct access to the divine through gnosis. Rebuilt economy on the basis of interdependence. Land no longer owned, but stewarded. No “private property” in the old sense. There’s access, reciprocity, responsibility.

RFKJ (2:29 a.m.)
I think the Bible called this, Heaven.

Pete (2:30 a.m.)
But who’s got the power? Who coordinates food systems? Grid reliability? Emergency response? You can’t run that on vibes and mycelium.

JD (2:31 a.m.)
We don't need centralized command to maintain order: We need distributed trust. Think commons management with AI logistics and citizen algorithms. Voluntary transparency. Local oversight of assets. Food systems networked globally through peer exchange. Same with energy. Think microgrids, not megaprojects. For crises, you don’t need FEMA - you need community nodes trained in resilience and mutual aid.

Pete (2:32 a.m.)
And the military?

JD (2:32 a.m.)
Repurposed. A global corps for ecological regeneration and mediation. No more forever wars. No more empire. We don’t need to project force. We need to model survivability.

Tulsi (2:33 a.m.)
Actually he’s not wrong. The real threat now isn’t China. It’s collapse—soil, water, meaning, trust. Deep down we all know this thing is totally unsustainable.